When you look yourself in the eyes many things come to mind! The kind of person you are, were, and will be crash together like a beautiful wave hitting the shore. In a instant a convergence of feelings and thoughts join together, only to quickly depart; usually those emotions and ideas never see each other again. There is at least one moment in every day when I am terrified of the person I have become, when I fear the thoughts racing through my mind; but, thoughts are just thoughts, it is the actions derived from those ideas that scare me the most. My mind has a way of playing tricks on me, on one hand it would seem that my mind has my best interests; yet, for some reason it finds a way of driving me closer and closer to chaos and the brink of destruction looms. If you you can't trust your own thoughts than what can you trust? I am not sure if I have always been mad? I do know that I have felt this way for to long, it can not just be a phase, or perhaps, a habit that will be broken with a change of life style.
I spent years injecting poison into my body hoping that when I opened my eyes every one would be gone. Other peoples happiness reminded me of a childhood that I never had, or at least, don't remember. What I do remember is that I have been crying myself to sleep ever since I was young; my tear ducts have dried up, but the pain lingers on. I know physical pain very well and it makes me laugh, emotional pain, however, is a different story and a story I thought i could never tell. It is strange that the parts of your life that people find interesting, are the very parts you don't want to relive; the few times in my life where my face and a smile walk side by side, nobody seems interested in. Or, maybe, that is just my head making magic again; the illusions are fooling the illusionist, but for now I'm going with it.
Memories are like a blind mans hands, they feel so much but are not always accurate. When I remember particular experiences I cannot help wondering if my perception is skewed. Do I recall events in a subjective way? Am I choosing to look at things with a trained eye? If I saw my past the way it really happened, I would lose my mind; or maybe it has already been lost? A lost mind eternally drowning in its own deception, a mosquito in a web of despair hoping the spider will arrive soon. All I can do is hope the rains come soon to knock me out of the trap I've fallen into.
A million why not's come to mind, but I can not think of one good why for explaining my actions. I have been searching my whole life for a reason why! Why am I alive? Why do I feel alone in this world, when so many people surround me? Why be...? Why? Why? Why? What I have found is that there is only one good answer: Because! You alone are responsible for that because, you own it, and it only needs to make sense to you. Nobody can take away your reason why, only you. Your heart is truly yours, only you can break it; your mind belongs to you, and it is up to you to shape it. Cherish those dark moments when you are alone, it is in those times when you can see who you really are, away from influence. Welcome the light because it may not last long, breath it in like it is your last breath, it is in those times when happiness finds you.
